The Walking Dead: What Does Bob Taste Like?

*SPOILER ALERT*

During the final moments of The Walking Dead’s October 19 episode, “Strangers,” Terminus cannibalistic leader Gareth and part of his equally cannibalistic crew returned. (Yeah, they’re alive. Ugh.) And they clearly brought their appetite—so much so that they clubbed poor Bob, dragged him in the middle of the woods, cut off his leg and barbecued it. And then Gareth proceeded to eat a piece of Bob’s leg right in front of Bob’s face.

Excuse me. I have to vomit.

OK, I’m back.

As grossed out as I was while watching that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder one thing: What does Bob’s leg taste like? Then, to my amusement, the hashtag #WhatBobTastesLike started, and Black Twitter officially had no chill.

Source: AMC

Source: AMC

So, with the help of Twitter, let’s speculate about what Bob tastes like:

The Applebee’s Jack Daniels ribs.

A dream deferred.

The meat at Dollar Tree or Big Lots.

Martin’s mama’s biscuits.

Newports.

Filet of sole. (I see what they did there.)

Christian Brothers and saltine crackers.

Fried Spam and Old English.

Tear-soaked kisses.

The last slice of bologna that gets hard around the edges.

Candy cigarettes.

Grits … and guilt.

Premature optimism steak.

Desperation. And sadness.

Bacon. Of course.

And, obviously, Bob’s Burgers.

Whatever Bob tastes like, he probably goes well with cornbread and sweet tea. Someone tell the survivors of Terminus that before they sauté another part of Bob.

Yum.

Source: AMC

Source: AMC, via Uproxx.com

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An Ode to David Rosen’s Hotness

During last Thursday’s “Scandal” episode, I tweeted this about the show’s character David Rosen, who’s played by Joshua Malina:

Source: Twitter.com/TiffanyElle

Source: twitter.com/TiffanyElle

Then this happened:

Source: twitter/joshmalina

Source: twitter/joshmalina

You know what this means, right? Yep, Joshua and I are basically married now. I knew he always wanted me.

OK, we’re not actually married because he’s married to someone else (sigh), and, you know, there are laws against polygamy and whatnot.

But David Rosen isn’t married. Yet. So for the sake of this post and my sanity, I’m going to pretend that David Rosen is a real person who is capable of real things, like marrying a certain TV blogger from Ohio. Let’s explore his hotness in GIFs, shall we?

Source: ABC, via thisimmediatefamily.tumblr.com

Yep, and you wear it oh so well.

Source: ABC, via http://funastrology.tumblr.com

He’s talking about me. Obviously.

Source: ABC, via ilikeubuturcrazy.tumblr.com

::faints::

Source: ABC, via Jezebel

I’m hoping “to stab” is a metaphor for “cuddling.”

Source: ABC, via stephaniesbookreviews.wordpress.com

NO.

Source: ABC, via scandalmoments.tumblr.com

That’s because we’re lovers.

Source: ABC, via Tumblr

Shut up, Liv. You are okay because David Rosen has blessed you with his presence.

Source: ABC, via MadameNoire.com

SWOON.

#DavidRosen4Eva

The Scene From ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ That Makes Me Happy

As with most humans of the world, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that Robin Williams is gone.

Wikimedia Commons

Wikimedia Commons

I always assumed Robin would live to be somewhere around 98 years old and die from a heart attack by doing some weird wacky comedic dance onstage in front of a packed theater. But, alas, that is not that case.

I won’t go into detail about Robin’s death because you probably already know those things, nor will I suddenly become an expert on depression and mental illness. And I definitely will not get into the never-ending debate on whether suicide is a selfish act or not. What I will do, though, is share one of my favorite moments of Robin from one of my favorite movies, Mrs. Doubtfire.

The last time I saw Mrs. Doubtfire was on CMT (basic cable) a few months ago. The movie, like always, brought on a wave of nostalgia, transporting me back to the sixth grade in 1993 (ETA: I realize I’ve let my true age slip; ugh).

After seeing the film for the first time, I developed a tiny crush on Pierce Brosnan (though most of my female classmates were checking for Matthew Lawrence), thought Sally Field had the best facial expressions of any movie actress, and understood that sometimes divorce is necessary. Basically I was 12 going on 40 and I was OK with that.

And there’s one moment in the movie that has always stuck out to me: The voices scene.

I was (and still am) amazed at how comically diverse Robin was in just that one moment. The scene is less than a minute, but through his voice and actions, Robin gives us impressions of a bevy of random characters, from Ronald Reagan to a hot dog. Yes, a hot dog.

RobinWilliams_HotDog

20th Century Fox

That scene is both hilarious and charming, and shows us in around 58 seconds that Robin was not only a comedic genius, but also a great actor.

Most will remember Robin for being a funny man who played a wide range of film and TV characters, from Mork in Mork & Mindy, to Peter Pan in Hook, to Genie in Aladdin, to Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting, to Alan Parrish in Jumanji, to his most recent TV role in The Crazy Ones as Simon Roberts.

But I’ll always remember Robin Williams for this one scene—because it makes me happy to see Robin happy.

True Blood: I Refuse to Accept That Thing With Tara

NOTE: I have no idea what the statute of limitations are for TV spoilers. My estimate would be somewhere between 12 and 48 hours, but there seems to be people still getting hissy fits over “Breaking Bad” and “Lost” spoilers—hence, the weird non-spoiling title of this post.

Sunday night was the premiere episode of the final season of “True Blood.” I am both happy and sad that the series is finally seeking an end (happy because the show has run its bloody course and should bow out with dignity; sad because I won’t get to see anymore of Lafayette’s fabulousness on Sunday nights).

What I am not happy about, though, is how the writers are playing with every one of my emotions with that thing with Tara.

Screw spoilers: Tara Thornton is “dead.”

Credit: HBO

Credit: HBO

That’s right—“dead” in hypothetical quotes, because I believe Tara is still “alive.” (“Alive” is also hypothetical because Tara is a vampire and vamps are technically dead, but you get what I’m saying.)

I’m kind of sort of definitely stubborn. Once my mind is made up about something, there’s nothing anyone can say or do to change it. Case in point: I believe mermaids exist. In real life. I am basing my stance on nothing other than this, but there’s absolutely no way you can convince me that they are nothing more than mythical, aquatic creatures conjured by someone who probably had a fish fetish. So, okay.

Back to Tara.

Rutina Wesley, the badass actress who plays Tara, recently gave an interview “confirming” that Tara is indeed “dead.” That’s cute, Rutina. But I, as well as other True Blooders (is that what the show’s fans are called?), know that there’s no way Tara is “dead,” i.e., met her True Death. Here are three reasons why:

1. Tara’s death wasn’t televised. We didn’t actually see Tara die in Sunday’s episode, nor in the season finale last year. If we didn’t see it, it didn’t happen (kind of like with The Hangover III, amiright?). And it’s possible that Lettie Mae didn’t see Tara die, either. Tara could’ve glamored Lettie Mae to believe she was dead, therefore leaving Lettie holding and crying over another vamp’s bloody insides. Gross.

2. Pam didn’t sense Tara’s death. Pam is Tara’s maker. A maker is supposed to feel when his or her progeny meets the True Death. Pam felt nothing. She didn’t react. Yes, she might’ve been on a fierce mission to find Eric (whom I don’t believe is dead, either) and not pay attention to or give a shit about anything else, but she still would’ve felt Tara’s death.

3. Rutina is listed as a series regular for the rest of the season. So there’s that.

Tara might be “dead” in the all-vampires-are-technically-dead-you-dummy sense. But she didn’t die a True Death in Sunday’s episode. She’s still “alive,” and she’s going to come back in future episodes like a true boss.

She better, or else everything I just said is pointless.

What’s Bush’s Baked Beans’ Secret Family Recipe? Let Me Investigate

Happy summer! Yes, I know it’s technically still spring, but dammit it’s June and 85 degrees outside. So summer.

And summer means hot weather and outdoors, and hot weather and outdoors means sunshine and swimming … and mosquitoes—but we won’t go there.

Hot weather and outdoors also signifies one of my favorite things ever in life, and a favorite American pastime: barbecuing (or grilling; there actually is a difference between the two but whatever). At a typical Luckey barbecue (in which my parents and sister do all of the cooking while I do nothing but sit back and look pretty), there’s always a pot of baked beans somewhere among the sea of various grilled meats (and other foods that I probably don’t eat).

Now, no one in my immediate family cooks baked beans from scratch, so for as long as I can remember, they’ve always opted for Bush’s Baked Beans, and that has always been OK with me (since, you know, I can’t cook and have no other choice). Seeing a flood of Bush’s commercials pop up on my TV during the summer always reminds me of a Luckey barbecue, and makes me always (angrily) ask: What is Bush’s coveted “Secret Family Recipe” to their baked beans?

Let’s recollect: Bush’s Baked Beans has been running a TV ad campaign since the mid-‘90s that centers around Jay Bush, heir to the Bush Brothers family throne, and a talking golden retriever named Duke. Jay knows the family’s secret recipe to those glorious baked beans, but he’s only told one other soul that secret: Duke. And, literally, since 1995, Duke has tried his best to spill the beans (see what I did there?) on the Secret Family Recipe.

To no avail, of course.

Honestly, I have no clue what the secret recipe is, other than that the ingredients call for cured bacon and brown sugar and … and … sorry, mouth is watering.

OK, I’m back. Apparently, the Internet doesn’t know either  (epic fail, America). But herein lies a list of what methinks are possible secret ingredients to Bush’s Baked Beans:

Diced bits of a “missing” Jimmy Hoffa. Where else could Jimmy be?

Sauteed moon remnants. Neil Armstrong takes his historic steps on the moon in 1969—the same year the Bush Brothers decide to venture into baked-bean making. Coincidence? Please.

Julienned lyrics to “Human Nature.” Seriously that’s the best song. Ever.

A heaping dash of Lupita Nyong’o’s wardrobe. And perhaps a pinch of her smile, too.

A tablespoon of glitter. Glitter makes everything better.

A reduction of Prince’s music videos. The majority of them cannot be found on YouTube, so baked beans is the only other reasonable location. Do not argue with me.

One cup of Superman’s blood. Deglazed.

Candied hey girls made by Ryan Gosling. They are oh so sweet.

Vodka. Enough said.

Obviously, none of these things are actually in Bush’s Baked Beans (duh—except for maybe the vodka), and no one, except Jay and Duke, knows what makes them so secretive and magical.

So there’s only one logical explanation to Bush’s Baked Beans’ Secret Family Recipe: Three drops of unicorn tears.

As Jay says, roll that beautiful bean footage:

Shonda Rhimes: Queen of ABC

shonda_rhimes_headshot_a_p

Shonda Rhimes’ official titles—according to Wikipedia, because we all know everything there is real—are director, producer, and screenwriter. But  she really needs to be called queen or empress or duchess, because her royal highness has basically colonized all of ABC (well, ABC on Thursday nights). And her reign at ABC will continue for another four years as she recently inked an 8-figure deal with the network through 2018. Bow down, ye faithful minions.

So what’s on the royal menu Thursdays this fall on prime time ABC courtesy of Queen Shonda (wait, that sounds like a character in a fantasy book; lemme get on that …)?

First, there’s the Cristina Yang-less “Grey’s Anatomy” (note: Cristina’s last appearance is tonight and I’m not emotionally prepared for it). And Queen Shonda used her regal magic to shift “Grey’s” to 8 p.m. from 9 p.m.

Now, I haz (yes, haz) my issues with “Grey’s” and was kind of hoping that this season would be “it” since Cristina would no longer be a thing. Plus, I feel as if the series has run its course (the storyline this season with the three siblings with the same rare heart condition made me want to both cry and throw my remote at my TV on many occasions). But, nonetheless, as with the past five seasons or so, I will watch next season, for I am a loyal subject of that which is Queen Shonda.

Then, Queen Shonda chess-moved to bump her crown of glory “Scandal” up an hour to 9 p.m.—much to the delight of us Gladiators because now we can go to bed an hour earlier. Right?

Haha no.

The Queen pulled another move and was all like, “I have this other crazy show about sex and drama and more sex and more drama and you will love it because I am Queen Shonda, ruler of ABC.” Her majesty and the rest of the royal family (aka her production company Shondaland) has developed “How to Get Away With Murder”—a legal thriller starring Viola Davis in the lead (look at God!). Yes, it will air on ABC Thursdays. Yes, at 10 p.m. Yes, you will lose sleep because you will stay up and watch. Deal with it.

And of course, the Queen’s ultimate power move is in her four-year extension with ABC, which means more hypnotizing, heart-stopping, blood-pressure-raising TV. Queen Shonda is prospering like a bawse and I am here for all of it.

But why should Shonda be hailed as a queen, especially of ABC?

For one, the Queen’s shows are so diverse—racially and sexual orientation-ally (that’s a word, right?). America is changing, and Queen Shonda does an amazing job reflecting these changes in terms of showing a wide-away of characters without trying too hard. (Fun fact: Shonda held “blind auditions” for “Grey’s” by not giving any of the characters last names so that the casting director could have free rein over which actor/actress got what part. Clever girl—err, queen.)

Also, her majesty just knows how to tell a story. Yes, sometimes her storylines are so outlandish (see “Grey’s” and “Scandal” season 3) that you have the fighting urge to fly 3,000 miles to L.A. to hunt down Queen Shonda and tell her she is really doing the most with these series, but you eventually come back to your senses and watch the damn shows remembering that it’s just entertainment. Or is that just me? (It’s not. It’s you, too. Don’t lie.)

Finally, she should be hailed Queen of ABC because I say so.

As you can see, I am way too excited about Thursday nights on ABC this fall—and it’s only spring. All hail Queen Shonda.