Happy summer! Yes, I know it’s technically still spring, but dammit it’s June and 85 degrees outside. So summer.
And summer means hot weather and outdoors, and hot weather and outdoors means sunshine and swimming … and mosquitoes—but we won’t go there.
Hot weather and outdoors also signifies one of my favorite things ever in life, and a favorite American pastime: barbecuing (or grilling; there actually is a difference between the two but whatever). At a typical Luckey barbecue (in which my parents and sister do all of the cooking while I do nothing but sit back and look pretty), there’s always a pot of baked beans somewhere among the sea of various grilled meats (and other foods that I probably don’t eat).
Now, no one in my immediate family cooks baked beans from scratch, so for as long as I can remember, they’ve always opted for Bush’s Baked Beans, and that has always been OK with me (since, you know, I can’t cook and have no other choice). Seeing a flood of Bush’s commercials pop up on my TV during the summer always reminds me of a Luckey barbecue, and makes me always (angrily) ask: What is Bush’s coveted “Secret Family Recipe” to their baked beans?
Let’s recollect: Bush’s Baked Beans has been running a TV ad campaign since the mid-‘90s that centers around Jay Bush, heir to the Bush Brothers family throne, and a talking golden retriever named Duke. Jay knows the family’s secret recipe to those glorious baked beans, but he’s only told one other soul that secret: Duke. And, literally, since 1995, Duke has tried his best to spill the beans (see what I did there?) on the Secret Family Recipe.
To no avail, of course.
Honestly, I have no clue what the secret recipe is, other than that the ingredients call for cured bacon and brown sugar and … and … sorry, mouth is watering.
OK, I’m back. Apparently, the Internet doesn’t know either (epic fail, America). But herein lies a list of what methinks are possible secret ingredients to Bush’s Baked Beans:
Diced bits of a “missing” Jimmy Hoffa. Where else could Jimmy be?
Sauteed moon remnants. Neil Armstrong takes his historic steps on the moon in 1969—the same year the Bush Brothers decide to venture into baked-bean making. Coincidence? Please.
Julienned lyrics to “Human Nature.” Seriously that’s the best song. Ever.
A heaping dash of Lupita Nyong’o’s wardrobe. And perhaps a pinch of her smile, too.
A tablespoon of glitter. Glitter makes everything better.
A reduction of Prince’s music videos. The majority of them cannot be found on YouTube, so baked beans is the only other reasonable location. Do not argue with me.
One cup of Superman’s blood. Deglazed.
Candied hey girls made by Ryan Gosling. They are oh so sweet.
Vodka. Enough said.
Obviously, none of these things are actually in Bush’s Baked Beans (duh—except for maybe the vodka), and no one, except Jay and Duke, knows what makes them so secretive and magical.
So there’s only one logical explanation to Bush’s Baked Beans’ Secret Family Recipe: Three drops of unicorn tears.
As Jay says, roll that beautiful bean footage: