Scandal: “Where’s The Black Lady?” This and Other Questions

ABC

ABC

First, hi!

It’s been months since I’ve posted anything on Another TV Blog. Lately, I’ve been finding it hard to blog because I recently got a new job, moved to a new city, and bought a new shade of MAC lipstick. Changes are hard.

But I’ve found time for Olivia Pope and company, and last night’s episode of “Scandal” prompted some valid questions. And I haz answers—because I know everything:

ABC

ABC

Question: It’s the episode’s title, yes, but seriously, where’s the black lady (Olivia)?
Who’s asking: Gladiators. Also, the fabulous Marla Gibbs (pictured above with Baby Huck).
Answer: When the episode ended, the black lady was on a jet with Ian (!) heading to … well we don’t know where to yet. But we do know that a) she and Ian have come up with a plan to “sell” her to the highest bidder (which doesn’t sit well with my spirit, because slavery, but we won’t go there), and b) someone obviously provided Liv with some conditioner and a flat iron because her hair was on fleek.

Question: Who will be Olivia’s highest bidder?
Who’s asking: Those who are ready to make it rain in order to bring Liv back.
Answer: Papa Pope. He’s smart enough and gully enough to take on Vice President Nichols and his goons to make that happen—and he won’t even break a sweat.

Question: Speaking of Vice President Nichols, WTF?! Why did he stage a coup to take over the White House?
Who’s asking: Everyone who isn’t terrible.
Answer: Nichols probably forgot to drink his coffee one morning and shit just continued to go downhill from there.

Question: So does this mean that Fitz is now Nichols’ puppet?
Who’s asking: Gladiators who strongly dislike Fitz.
Answer: Not really. More like his bitch.

Question: Is it weird that I found Tom super hot in that orange jumpsuit? I mean, he is in jail for killing the president’s son and all, but still…
Who’s asking: Me (specifically, the very single side of me).
Answer: No it’s perfectly fine. #PrisonBae

best--scandal--quote-2

ABC

Question: Mellie used her good good to get what she wanted (Nichols’ cell phone to give to Huck and ‘em so that they can find Liv). Is this OK?
Who’s asking: Someone on Twitter, probably.
Answer: I have been known to flirt with Chipotle employees to get free burrito bowls. That is my answer.

Question: Has “Scandal” turned into the “Olivia Pope Show”? Why are we sooo focused on saving Liv and blah blah blah?
Who’s asking: Those who deserve all of my side eyes.
Answer: Uhh, it’s basically always been the “Olivia Pope Show.” I’ma need you to stop vacationing in Hatersville.

Here’s one question that still needs answering: Will Olivia be saved? Considering that Kerry Washington is the star of the show, I’m going to answer with this: Obviously.

The Walking Dead: What Does Bob Taste Like?

*SPOILER ALERT*

During the final moments of The Walking Dead’s October 19 episode, “Strangers,” Terminus cannibalistic leader Gareth and part of his equally cannibalistic crew returned. (Yeah, they’re alive. Ugh.) And they clearly brought their appetite—so much so that they clubbed poor Bob, dragged him in the middle of the woods, cut off his leg and barbecued it. And then Gareth proceeded to eat a piece of Bob’s leg right in front of Bob’s face.

Excuse me. I have to vomit.

OK, I’m back.

As grossed out as I was while watching that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder one thing: What does Bob’s leg taste like? Then, to my amusement, the hashtag #WhatBobTastesLike started, and Black Twitter officially had no chill.

Source: AMC

Source: AMC

So, with the help of Twitter, let’s speculate about what Bob tastes like:

The Applebee’s Jack Daniels ribs.

A dream deferred.

The meat at Dollar Tree or Big Lots.

Martin’s mama’s biscuits.

Newports.

Filet of sole. (I see what they did there.)

Christian Brothers and saltine crackers.

Fried Spam and Old English.

Tear-soaked kisses.

The last slice of bologna that gets hard around the edges.

Candy cigarettes.

Grits … and guilt.

Premature optimism steak.

Desperation. And sadness.

Bacon. Of course.

And, obviously, Bob’s Burgers.

Whatever Bob tastes like, he probably goes well with cornbread and sweet tea. Someone tell the survivors of Terminus that before they sauté another part of Bob.

Yum.

Source: AMC

Source: AMC, via Uproxx.com

An Ode to David Rosen’s Hotness

During last Thursday’s “Scandal” episode, I tweeted this about the show’s character David Rosen, who’s played by Joshua Malina:

Source: Twitter.com/TiffanyElle

Source: twitter.com/TiffanyElle

Then this happened:

Source: twitter/joshmalina

Source: twitter/joshmalina

You know what this means, right? Yep, Joshua and I are basically married now. I knew he always wanted me.

OK, we’re not actually married because he’s married to someone else (sigh), and, you know, there are laws against polygamy and whatnot.

But David Rosen isn’t married. Yet. So for the sake of this post and my sanity, I’m going to pretend that David Rosen is a real person who is capable of real things, like marrying a certain TV blogger from Ohio. Let’s explore his hotness in GIFs, shall we?

Source: ABC, via thisimmediatefamily.tumblr.com

Yep, and you wear it oh so well.

Source: ABC, via http://funastrology.tumblr.com

He’s talking about me. Obviously.

Source: ABC, via ilikeubuturcrazy.tumblr.com

::faints::

Source: ABC, via Jezebel

I’m hoping “to stab” is a metaphor for “cuddling.”

Source: ABC, via stephaniesbookreviews.wordpress.com

NO.

Source: ABC, via scandalmoments.tumblr.com

That’s because we’re lovers.

Source: ABC, via Tumblr

Shut up, Liv. You are okay because David Rosen has blessed you with his presence.

Source: ABC, via MadameNoire.com

SWOON.

#DavidRosen4Eva

What’s Bush’s Baked Beans’ Secret Family Recipe? Let Me Investigate

Happy summer! Yes, I know it’s technically still spring, but dammit it’s June and 85 degrees outside. So summer.

And summer means hot weather and outdoors, and hot weather and outdoors means sunshine and swimming … and mosquitoes—but we won’t go there.

Hot weather and outdoors also signifies one of my favorite things ever in life, and a favorite American pastime: barbecuing (or grilling; there actually is a difference between the two but whatever). At a typical Luckey barbecue (in which my parents and sister do all of the cooking while I do nothing but sit back and look pretty), there’s always a pot of baked beans somewhere among the sea of various grilled meats (and other foods that I probably don’t eat).

Now, no one in my immediate family cooks baked beans from scratch, so for as long as I can remember, they’ve always opted for Bush’s Baked Beans, and that has always been OK with me (since, you know, I can’t cook and have no other choice). Seeing a flood of Bush’s commercials pop up on my TV during the summer always reminds me of a Luckey barbecue, and makes me always (angrily) ask: What is Bush’s coveted “Secret Family Recipe” to their baked beans?

Let’s recollect: Bush’s Baked Beans has been running a TV ad campaign since the mid-‘90s that centers around Jay Bush, heir to the Bush Brothers family throne, and a talking golden retriever named Duke. Jay knows the family’s secret recipe to those glorious baked beans, but he’s only told one other soul that secret: Duke. And, literally, since 1995, Duke has tried his best to spill the beans (see what I did there?) on the Secret Family Recipe.

To no avail, of course.

Honestly, I have no clue what the secret recipe is, other than that the ingredients call for cured bacon and brown sugar and … and … sorry, mouth is watering.

OK, I’m back. Apparently, the Internet doesn’t know either  (epic fail, America). But herein lies a list of what methinks are possible secret ingredients to Bush’s Baked Beans:

Diced bits of a “missing” Jimmy Hoffa. Where else could Jimmy be?

Sauteed moon remnants. Neil Armstrong takes his historic steps on the moon in 1969—the same year the Bush Brothers decide to venture into baked-bean making. Coincidence? Please.

Julienned lyrics to “Human Nature.” Seriously that’s the best song. Ever.

A heaping dash of Lupita Nyong’o’s wardrobe. And perhaps a pinch of her smile, too.

A tablespoon of glitter. Glitter makes everything better.

A reduction of Prince’s music videos. The majority of them cannot be found on YouTube, so baked beans is the only other reasonable location. Do not argue with me.

One cup of Superman’s blood. Deglazed.

Candied hey girls made by Ryan Gosling. They are oh so sweet.

Vodka. Enough said.

Obviously, none of these things are actually in Bush’s Baked Beans (duh—except for maybe the vodka), and no one, except Jay and Duke, knows what makes them so secretive and magical.

So there’s only one logical explanation to Bush’s Baked Beans’ Secret Family Recipe: Three drops of unicorn tears.

As Jay says, roll that beautiful bean footage:

The Most Beautifully Ridiculous Moments & Reactions From the ‘Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta’ Season 3 Premiere

Credit: VH1

Credit: VH1

While most sensible people watched the premiere of the limited series “24: Live Another Day” on FOX Monday night, I embraced my inner ratchetchess and turned the tube on VH1 for the Season 3 premiere of “Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta.” And it was magically ridiculous.

Here are all of the glorious moments and reactions from last night:

When the opening credits happened and you had no idea who Tammy was and you didn’t know what to do, then realized later on that it’s Waka Flocka Flame’s fiancée and then realizing that Waka is a cast member this season.

When Joseline appeared on screen more muscular than you remembered.

Credit: VH1

Credit: VH1

When Stevie J and Joseline finally confirmed that they’re legally married, and you couldn’t help but give a ridiculously big side eye.

Credit: VH1

Credit: VH1

When Joseline kept calling her herself a bad bitch, and you wanted to throw all of your feminism at the TV screen.

When Kirk was … just there.

Via Reaction Gifs

Via Reaction Gifs

When Mimi popped up on the screen with blonde hair and you weren’t prepared for it—but she still looked nice so you were OK with it.

Credit: VH1

Credit: VH1

When you couldn’t focus on Tammy and Waka’s first conversation of the season because you kept staring at the acne (?) on Waka’s forehead. Also, because you could barely understand what Waka was saying.

When Scrappy said he was so over his baby mama/ex-fiancée Erica and is now kickin’ it with Bambi (who, by the way, kicked it in a hot tub with Kirk and Benzino last season) and you wanted to cry into a pillow.

When Ariane revealed that she has a new lover—a woman—and you were like, “Yasss!”

Source: Broadway Box

Source: Broadway Box

When, in talking about Nikko to Erica and Ariane, Mimi used the term “dickmatized” and you took a mental note to use it in a conversation at a later time. Because ratchetness.

When Rasheeda was serving realness with the orange lipstick and gun earrings at her lunch meeting with Deb and Tammy.

When you realized that the Mimi and Nikko sex tape was definitely staged/leaked on purpose but you didn’t care because shower curtain rod.

When Mimi was crying after finding out that her and Nikko’s sex tape was “stolen” but her mascara and eyeliner stayed perfectly in place. (Seriously, what was she wearing? MAC? Lancôme? Dior? I need to know these things.)

Credit: VH1

Credit: VH1

When Momma Dee, even in season 3, was still talking kingdoms and castles and palaces and queens and OMG STFU.

Source: Wifflegif

Source: Wifflegif

When Momma Dee was talking about eggs in a basket and you were confused. As was Bambi.

Then, talking about Scrappy not being faithful to one woman, when Momma Dee said, “Can you eat just one Lay’s potato chip?” … and you were still confused.

When you squee’d at Baby Karter, but rolled your eyes at Kirk tripping over Rasheeda’s Momma kissing him. Oh, OK.

Credit: VH1

Credit: VH1

When Kirk tells Rasheeda’s mom that he’s going to have a paternity test because he still doesn’t believe that Baby Karter is his son. Boy, bye.

When you were mesmerized at how white Scrappy’s teeth were, but then snapped back to reality when you realized he still had huge commitment issues. And when he goes on to say that he’s “really in a lot of care” with Bambi, even though she poured her heart out and told him that she loved him.

1_Via Wifflegif

Source: Wifflegif

When Stevie and Joseline swapped cake with each other’s mouths at their birthday/wedding party thing. Gross.

When Joseline went straight boss and drove off in Stevie’s car at their wedding party because a) Mimi’s friends Ariane and Erica showed up (for whatever reason) b) she was mad that Mimi bought her and Stevie a wedding gift (again, for whatever reason) and c) Stevie went to a strip club. I guess?

When you watched the “This Season On…” clips at the end of the episode and hollered because you can’t wait to see every ratchet moment in every upcoming episode because you apparently have low standards and might secretly hate yourself. But you ain’t even mad, though.

2_Via Wifflegif

Source: Wifflegif

“Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta” airs Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on VH1 … just in case you want to hate yourself, too … with another new episode premiering tomorrow (Wednesday) … so you can hate yourself a little earlier. You’re welcome.

The Following: In Which Joe Carroll and Ryan Hardy Are Actually BFFs

Last week’s “The Following” saw one shocking death of a fan favorite, and one possible death of another fan favorite (if we find out tonight that Mike Weston didn’t survive, we riot). These things were definitely “OMG” moments, as well as many other events during the course of the last two seasons. But no matter how much I clutch my pearls during any given episode of “The Following,” I can’t help but ponder on the weirdly beautiful relationship between the show’s two main characters: Joe Carroll and Ryan Hardy.

Courtesy: FOX

Courtesy: FOX

Under different circumstances—you know, if Joe wasn’t a sociopathic serial killer and if Ryan hadn’t had a passionate love affair with Joe’s wife and whatnot—these two would be the best of friends. In fact, they kind of already are BFFs. Here are five reasons why:

They’re able to speak the harshest truths to each other. Being completely open and honest with someone is part of the foundation for a close friendship. If your BFF’s breath smells like a vat of armpits after every time she eats Chipotle, then—for the love of every dentist from here to Kyrgyzstan—tell her (then kindly offer her a grocery bag of Tic Tacs). Ryan and Joe have this brutally-honest-with-each-other-even-if-the-truth-hurts thing down to a T, showing the truest testament of a solid friendship.

tumblr_mgkg83Zvvx1qf34gmo4_250

Source: Tumblr

They’re loyal to each other. If honesty is part of a healthy BFF foundation, then loyalty is another part, and Ryan and Joe are beyond faithful to each other. Think about it. What other serial killer is Ryan solely hunting down? What other FBI agent does Joe single-handedly taunt? Even if Ryan hunts down one of Joe’s cult minions, or if Joe trolls another FBI agent (hello, Mike), these people are still closely connected to Joe and Ryan. Loyalty, thy name is Harroll.

RyanandJoe_loyalty

They work hard to bring out the best in each other. The cat-and-mouse game between Ryan and Joe gets complicated with each episode; it’s because Joe and Ryan push each other to their limits to be better people at what they do—in Ryan’s case, his work as an agent (though he’s kind of a bad investigator, but whatevs); and for Joe, his, well, “hobby.” Consider your BFF: If he makes you a better person, then sweet baby Jesus you have a true friend; if he brings out the worst possible version of yourself, then you need a new friend ‘cause he is so not the one.

Ryan and Joe_tries to bring out best

Source: Tumblr

They have a lot in common. Yes, opposites attract, but opposites are also annoying at times. That’s why a person often grows a close bond with another person based on similarities he or she has with said other person. Look at Ryan and Joe: They’re both highly intelligent. They’re both resourceful. They’re both (irritatingly) relentless. They’ve both killed people. They’ve both slept with Claire Matthews. They are practically the same person.

tumblr_n4749rswWc1rjh2ymo4_250

Source: Tumblr

They might fight from time to time, but, like all BFFs, Joe and Ryan realize that they can’t live without each other. Until, you know, one or both of them dies. Obviously.

Source: Tumblr

Source: CTV

The Season 2 finale of “The Following” airs tonight on FOX at 9 pm EST.

tumblr_mj7rhg7VBY1s5rumzo2_250

Source: Tumblr

BONUS: An extra Joe Carroll GIF that means nothing but it’s so incredibly adorable that I couldn’t resist not posting it.

Source: Tumblr

Source: Tumblr

You Can Tell Which Season of ‘The Golden Girls’ You’re Watching By Bea Arthur’s Hair

Every time I watch “The Golden Girls,” I discover something—like the fact that Sophia’s brother, Angelo, and father are played by the same person (actor/comedian Bill Dana), or “getting” one of the girls’ many dirty jokes told over the course of the series that went right over my head as child (and as a 20-something; seriously I didn’t get this joke about being able to “walk in October” until I was a junior in college).

Another something I discovered was that a person, with a well-trained eye, can determine which season of “The Golden Girls” she’s watching by examining the nuanced hairstyles donned by Bea Arthur/Dorothy Zbornak. Fa realz.

Betty White’s hair stayed practically the same during the entire series, so if you want to use her as a guide to what season you’re watching, may God be with you. Estelle Getty wore different wigs, and I’m guessing the show’s stylist(s) just picked whichever wig was (literary) within arm’s reach for each episode? It’s kind of random. And Rue McClanahan did what she wanted to with her hair because she was a fashion boss.

But Bea? Bea was all like, “I don’t have time for constant hair changes. Pick one style per season and stick with it for all 20-plus episodes—‘cause I’m Bea ‘effin Arthur and I run this.” (She really said that, by the way.)

So let’s take a look at that hair.

(All photos courtesy of NBC)

Season 1 (1985-86)

DZ_Season 1

Source: darlingtheyfoundthebody.tumblr.com

What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Wanting-to-let-go-of-Maude-but-can’t-so-distracting-viewers-with-shorter-and-grayer-hair Fierceness.

Season 2 (1986-87)

DZ_Season 2

Source: the-goldengirls.tumblr.com

What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Less-bangs-but-still-the-shiznit-this-season Hotness.

Season 3 (1987-88)

DZ_Season 3

Source: valleyseagull.tumblr.com

What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Hair-that-doesn’t-move-but-I-don’t-care-and-I-still-loathe-my-cheating-ex-husband Realness.

Season 4 (1988-89)

DZ_Season 4

Source: astartosteerherby.tumblr.com

What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: I’ve-been-getting-laid-like-crazy-lately-so-I’m-gonna-part-my-hair-on-the-side-because-that’s-hot Sexiness.

(Also, this GIF is everything right now.)

Season 5 (1989-90)

DZ_Season 5

What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Longer-hair-after-four-seasons-don’t-care Fabulousness.

Season 6 (1990-91)

DZ_Season 6

Source: damnafricawhathappened.tumblr.com

What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: I’ve-stepped-out-of-the’80s-and-into-the-‘90s-so-I-need-to-add-more-curl-in-my-swirl-to-stay-on-trend Sassiness.

Season 7 (1991-92)

DZ_Season 7

What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: It’s-the-final-season-and-I-wanna-go-out-with-a-bang-therefore-I’m-gonna-give-you-big-hair-all-up-in-yo-face Boldness.

Now, go look at the entire “Golden Girls” series and try not to learn which season you’re watching by observing the hair that is Bea Arthur’s. Trust me—you can’t. You’re welcome.